Pod kůžíUnder the Skin

XIX.

On Tuesday morning, I opened my work email and found a confirmation saying the print files for the New Year’s cover had arrived safely.

I read it twice.

After yesterday, I was having a little trouble believing that anything could end without further comments.

I moved the message to the right folder, opened the photos I was working on, and got started.

Kristin arrived a little later with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“So? Have they got back to us?”

“Yeah. The files are fine.”

“Thank God.”

“That’s what I thought.”

She set her coffee down and leaned over my shoulder to look at the screen.

“Those the product shots?”

“Yeah. I’ve got the last three to finish.”

“Great. Send them over when you’re done and I’ll have a look.”

I nodded.

Kristin went back to her desk, and I returned to the photos.

The morning passed fairly peacefully.

Nobody wanted to change the background. Nobody called with a last-minute new idea. I even managed to finish everything I’d planned.

Around eleven, my phone vibrated.

Mum.

I stared at the screen for a moment.

Then I answered.

“Hi.”

“Elias, finally. I need to know what time you’re arriving on Thursday.”

“Hi, Mum. I haven’t checked the trains yet.”

“Well, you could check them now. It’s Tuesday.”

“I’ll look tonight.”

“Tonight? Can’t you tell me now?”

“I’m at work.”

“I know. But looking up a train takes two minutes.”

I opened my mouth, then closed it again.

“All right. I’ll look.”

“And come in the morning. I’ll have too much to do in the afternoon.”

“I’ll try.”

“Don’t try, just come.”

I leaned back in my chair.

“Okay.”

“And bring something decent to wear. The Novotnys are coming over on Christmas Eve.”

I frowned.

“I thought it was just going to be us.”

“We invited them.”

“On Christmas Eve?”

“Yes, Elias. On Christmas Eve.”

“Oh.”

“I hope you don’t have a problem with that.”

“No.”

“Good. And please don’t wear that stretched-out black sweater again.”

I looked down at my black sweater.

“It’s not stretched out.”

“I don’t know which one you mean. But last time you looked as if you’d got dressed in the dark.”

I ran a hand over my forehead.

“Mum…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You know your father cares about these things. You don’t have to wear a suit, but you could at least dress so you don’t have to be embarrassed by yourself for once.”

I was quiet for a moment.

“Okay.”

“And your hair. I hope you’ve had it cut by now.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you mean, ‘yeah’?”

“I went to the hairdresser.”

“And does it look decent?”

I looked at my reflection in the darkened monitor.

“I think so.”

“Well, I hope so.”

I heard her say something to someone in the background. Then she came back on the line.

“One more thing. Your father wants to talk to you during the holidays.”

“About what?”

“He’ll tell you himself.”

“Can’t you at least tell me what it’s about?”

“Elias, don’t make a big deal out of it. Just make some time for him. You’re not going to spend the whole holiday sitting somewhere on your phone.”

I looked at the clock in the corner of my monitor.

“Okay.”

“And send me your arrival time. Don’t wait until tonight.”

“I will.”

“All right, bye.”

“Bye.”

I put the phone down on the desk.

The unfinished photo was still glowing on my monitor.

I looked at it for a moment.

Then I put my headphones on and got back to work.

Around one, Kristin put a printed list on my desk.

I took off one earphone.

“What’s up?”

“Just checking we haven’t missed anything. These jobs are closed, and we’re waiting for the materials on these until after New Year’s.”

I scanned the list.

“This one’s done too.” I pointed to a line.

“Really?”

“I sent it to you this morning.”

“Oh. I missed that.”

She took the paper and crossed the item off.

“Great. Just those last photos and we’re done.”

“They’re already finished.”

“You’re being unusually fast today.”

“I’m trying to get out of here.”

She laughed.

“Same here.”

She went back to her desk.

I put my headphones on again.

The rest of the afternoon passed without any major problems. We finished the last adjustments, cleared our desks, and prepared everything we’d need after the holidays.

It was a little after three when I shut down my computer.

“Have a nice Christmas,” Kristin said, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“You too.”

“And make sure you get some rest.”

“Sure.”

“That wasn’t a suggestion.”

I smiled.

“I’ll try.”

“See you.”

“See you.”

On my way home, I sat by the tram window and watched the city go by.

The streets were full of people trying to get their last-minute presents. Someone was carrying a huge paper bag, someone else a Christmas tree. A couple on the pavement were arguing over a map on their phone.

Normally, I’d have been glad to finish so early.

Today, I was just tired.

My phone vibrated in my pocket.

Adam.

Update: I’ve packed. I survived.

I smiled.

How many hoodies?

Five.

There were four yesterday.

The situation is developing.

I can see that.

What about you? How was your day?

I thought for a moment.

Better than yesterday.

That’s not a very high bar.

But I cleared it.

I’m proud of you.

I read his last message and put my phone away.

Christmas lights were slowly coming on outside the window.

At home, I put my backpack down, took off my shoes, and headed for the kitchen. The paper bag from yesterday was still on the counter. I moved it aside to make room for the groceries I’d picked up on the way and opened the fridge. I made myself something to eat and ate it right there at the counter. Then I washed the dishes, changed into sweatpants and a black T-shirt, and sat down on the sofa.

It was only a little after four. I had the whole afternoon free, which hadn’t happened much lately. Normally, I’d have made the most of it. Put on a film, read, or just lounged around. But today I didn’t feel like doing any of those things. Work was done, there was nothing pressing, and yet I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that had stayed with me since the phone call that morning.

I took out my phone and checked the trains for Thursday. I found one that suited me and sent Mum my arrival time. She replied almost immediately.

That’s pretty late. Can’t you go earlier?

I checked the timetable again. The train was due to arrive at ten in the morning.

The earlier one is at six.

Then you could make that one.

I held the phone in my hand for a moment. Then I typed:

I’ll arrive at ten.

There was no reply.

I put the phone on the coffee table and leaned back against the sofa. The apartment was quiet. It didn’t usually bother me. I liked the quiet. But today my thoughts were running in every direction, and I had no desire to chase after them.

I got up, crossed to the speaker, and put on Korn. “Freak on a Leash.” I set it to repeat and gradually turned up the volume. When the drums and guitars kicked in, it finally felt as though there was a little more room in my head.

I went back to the sofa, stretched out my legs, and closed my eyes. The music was loud, the beat thudded in my chest, and I could focus on nothing but that. I didn’t have to think about Thursday, about what Dad would want this time, or about how long I’d have to pretend everything was fine.

I don’t know how long I sat like that. The song had started again when I thought I heard the doorbell. I opened my eyes and listened for a moment. Then it rang again, more clearly this time. I sighed, turned down the music, and got up from the sofa.

I wasn’t expecting anyone. On my way to the door, I wondered if someone in the building needed me to sign for something again, or if the neighbour had come to borrow something she’d run out of right in the middle of baking.

I opened the door.

Adam was standing in the hallway. He had a backpack over one shoulder, a small travel bag in one hand, and that familiar, slightly cheeky smile on his face. His hair was tousled, as if he’d run his hand through it several times on the way over.

“Hi,” he said.

I stood there, staring at him for a few seconds. I knew he was going home today. I knew he’d packed already. But I definitely hadn’t expected to see him standing outside my apartment.

“What are you doing here?” I breathed.

Adam shrugged and smiled a little wider.

“I wanted to see you again.”

I don’t know what I’d meant to say. Maybe ask how he’d got here, or why he hadn’t texted me. Instead, I stepped forward, grabbed him around the waist, and pressed myself against him.

Adam let out a surprised breath. His travel bag slipped from his hand and hit the floor, and a moment later he was hugging me too. One arm held me around the back; the other rested on the nape of my neck. I hid my face in his jacket and closed my eyes for a moment.

“Hi,” he murmured into my hair.

“Hi.”

We stood there in the middle of the open doorway, and I didn’t care at all if anyone saw us. Adam stroked my back and pulled away a little so he could see my face.

“That was a pretty nice welcome.”

“Don’t talk.”

He smiled.

“I’m glad to see you too.”

I let him go, stepped back into the apartment, and let him in. Adam picked up his bag, closed the door behind him, and began unzipping his jacket. Only after he’d taken it off did I notice him looking around the living room.

“Wait,” he said, tilting his head. “Is that Korn?”

I looked toward the speaker, where “Freak on a Leash” was still playing softly.

“Yeah.”

Adam turned to me.

“You listen to Korn?”

“No. I put them on to scare the neighbours.”

He laughed.

“I just… I wouldn’t have expected that from you.”

“What exactly?”

“That you put this kind of stuff on at home.”

“What did you think I listened to?”

He thought for a moment.

“I don’t know. Something calm.”

“Like what?”

“Like… jazz?”

I looked at him.

“Jazz?”

“What?”

“Adam.”

“Okay, okay.” He raised his hands. “I take it back.”

I laughed and went into the kitchen.

“Want something to drink?”

“I’d have some water.”

I took a glass from the cupboard and filled it. Adam leaned against the kitchen counter and watched me.

“How did you work this out?” I asked, handing him the water.

“What?”

“Being here.”

He took a drink.

“Dad’s picking me up.”

“Here?”

“Yeah.”

“At my place?”

“No, at the neighbours’. I just popped in.”

I nudged his shoulder.

“You idiot.”

Adam grinned.

“I called him and said I’d be at a different address. He said he didn’t care, as long as I was ready when he arrived.”

“And when’s he coming?”

He checked his watch.

“In about an hour.”

I nodded. An hour wasn’t long, but five minutes ago I’d thought I wouldn’t see him again until after Christmas.

Adam set his glass on the counter.

“I hope you don’t mind that I showed up without warning.”

“I do.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Really?”

“Of course. I was planning to spend the whole afternoon doing absolutely nothing.”

“Sorry for ruining your plans.”

“You should be.”

He smiled and pulled me closer by the hand.

“Next time I’ll make an appointment.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

He kissed me. Briefly, just like it was the most natural thing in the world.

When he let me go, he noticed the paper bag on the counter.

“Did you go shopping?”

I looked over at it.

“Yeah. Yesterday.”

“What did you get?”

I thought for a moment. Then I remembered what was actually in it.

“Actually… wait.”

I took two paper-wrapped packages out of the bag and set them on the counter. I unwrapped one, then the other. Two ceramic mugs stood side by side, one dark blue and the other green.

Adam looked them over.

“Nice.”

“Do you like them?”

“Yeah, I love them.”

“Then pick one.”

He looked at me.

“What?”

“Pick whichever one you want.”

“Why?”

I smiled a little.

“Because one of them is for you.”

Adam froze.

“For me?”

“Yeah. For Christmas.”

He looked at the mugs again, then at me.

“You bought me a present?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Elias.”

“What?”

“You bought me a Christmas present.”

“Adam, I’m starting to think you’re repeating yourself.”

But he didn’t smile the way I’d expected. Instead, he looked at both mugs and carefully picked up the green one.

“This one?” he asked.

“If you want.”

He ran his thumb along the rim.

“And the other one?”

“That’ll be mine.”

Adam looked up.

“So…”

I shrugged.

“So we each have one here.”

For a moment, there was silence.

Adam looked at the green mug in his hand, then at the blue one on the counter. And suddenly his expression changed. His smile softened, and his eyes grew strangely gentle.

“You bought two,” he said quietly.

“Yeah.”

“One for you and one for me.”

“Exactly.”

He slowly put the green mug back on the counter.

“And mine gets to stay here?”

“Of course. You’re not going to carry it back and forth.”

Adam laughed softly, but it sounded different from usual.

“Fuck,” he breathed.

I looked at him.

“What?”

He shook his head and ran a hand over his face.

“Nothing. Just…”

He didn’t finish.

Instead, he stepped closer, took my face in his hands, and kissed me. Not like before. This time it was slow and long, until I put my hands on his hips and pulled him closer.

When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine.

“That’s the best present,” he murmured.

I smiled.

“It’s a mug.”

“I know.”

“An ordinary ceramic mug.”

“Elias.”

“What?”

“Please just let me be happy about it.”

I laughed.

“Okay.”

Adam hugged me. Tightly, almost too tightly, and I hid my face against his shoulder. For a while, we just stood by the kitchen counter, and he held me as if he had no intention of letting go.

“Thank you,” he said quietly into my hair.

“You’re welcome.”

“Really.”

I stroked his back.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Adam finally let go, only to look at his mug again. He picked it up and smiled at it in a way I’d never seen anyone smile at a piece of tableware before.

“So I have my own mug at your place.”

“Yeah.”

“A green one.”

“I can see that.”

“And you have a blue one.”

“Adam.”

“What?”

“Do you want to try it out right now?”

He looked at me, his face lighting up.

“Can I?”

“Of course.”

“Then make me some tea.”

“Excuse me?”

“What? I’ve got a new mug.”

I laughed and reached for the kettle.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“I know.”

While I filled the kettle, Adam put his green mug beside my blue one and spent another moment looking at them both.

Then he turned to me.

“Elias?”

“Hm?”

“I’m really glad I came over today.”

I looked at him.

“So am I.”

And this time, I didn’t even try to hide my smile.

Adam sat at the kitchen table, holding the green mug in both hands, and told me how he’d managed to leave his wallet at home that morning even though he’d put it right on top of his backpack the night before.

“And do you know where it was?” he asked.

“On the backpack?”

“No. Under it.”

“That’s unbelievable.”

“I know.”

I sat opposite him with my blue mug and listened. Every now and then I laughed or made a comment. Something else had long since started playing through the speaker, and the sky outside the windows was slowly growing dark.

Adam’s phone vibrated on the table.

He looked at the screen.

“Dad.”

He answered.

“Hey, Dad. Yeah, I’m here… Sure. In five minutes? Okay, I’ll head downstairs.”

He hung up and sighed.

“Well, that’s that. I have to go.”

Adam finished his tea and carried the mug to the sink.

“Leave it here,” I said.

He turned around.

“What?”

“The mug. Leave it on the counter.”

He smiled.

“Sure.”

He put it beside my blue one.

Then he put on his jacket, slung his backpack over his shoulder, and picked up his travel bag.

I walked him to the door.

“Enjoy your time at home,” I said.

“You too.”

We both knew things wouldn’t be entirely easy for me, but Adam didn’t ask about it.

Instead, he kissed me.

“I’ll text you when we get there.”

“Okay.”

“And eat properly.”

“Yes, Mum.”

“Someone has to look after you.”

“That’s true.”

He smiled and hugged me briefly one more time.

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I closed the door behind him and stood in the hallway for a while. Then I went back to the kitchen. Two mugs stood side by side on the counter. One dark blue, the other green.

The green one was still a little warm.

I left them there.