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II.

I woke up with a heavy head.

From the wine.

From my thoughts.

Still half asleep, I reached for my phone without opening my eyes. I glanced at the time.

Damn.

I'm late.

I buried my face back into the pillow.

Then I turned over, reached for my phone again and...

Nothing.

No reply.

Of course.

I gave a small nod to myself and headed for the bathroom.

By the time I got to work, I was almost running.

Kirstin, the photographer I work for as an assistant, barely looked up. She simply raised an eyebrow.

My work bestie.

One of the very few people I'd ever let get close.

Well...

Not that close.

She's three years younger than me. Twenty-two. She has a boyfriend. They live together.

They're happy.

At least I think they are.

We had a mountain of work ahead of us. We barely had time to grab lunch.

I'll buy some noodles on the way home.

Wait.

Noodles?

Why did noodles suddenly pop into my head?

---

Right in the middle of editing one of the photos, my phone buzzed.

I couldn't check it.

By the time I remembered, we were finally done.

I grabbed my phone and looked at the screen.

It slipped from my hand and landed on the desk with a loud thud.

Kirstin looked over.

I quickly picked it up.

I smiled.

It felt...

Strange.

Warm.

The rest of the day disappeared before I noticed.

While we were cleaning up the studio, Kirstin rolled over on her chair until she stopped beside me.

I could feel her eyes on my back.

I turned around.

"Did you sleep at all?"

I lowered my head and gave a small shake.

I knew she was waiting for me to say something else.

I didn't want to.

But the words came anyway.

"I was texting someone until two in the morning."

Silence.

Just that questioning look of hers.

She was patient.

She knew how to deal with me.

So she waited.

Slowly, I looked up.

I wanted to say something, but stopped myself.

My mouth stayed slightly open.

A hundred thoughts were racing through my head.

I took a breath.

"We met on a dating app. We have so much in common. His parents are doctors too. He used to play sports. He sang in a choir. He loves the same movie... and the same game."

That's what he said.

But I don't know if I believe it.

At least...

I don't think I do.

"Was that him?" she asked, nodding toward the phone beside my keyboard.

"Mm."

"Are you going to see him?"

Her expression softened even more.

I gave her a crooked smile.

"I doubt it."

I finished cleaning the studio, said goodbye to Kirstin and headed home.

The apartment was dark.

Silent.

I made myself a coffee.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, I watched the steam rise from my mug and disappear into the window.

It had started snowing.

Snow always calmed me.

I just stood there, watching.

My phone lay beside me on the counter.

A black screen.

Then it lit up.

I flinched.

Without taking my eyes off the snow outside, I opened the message.

I stared at the screen.

My stomach tightened.

For a second, my heart forgot how to beat.

The air suddenly felt heavy.

The room spun.

I put the phone down and grabbed the edge of the counter.

What is happening?

Why?

I didn't understand.

I didn't understand why he was doing this.

I didn't understand why my body was reacting like this.

I'd never felt anything like it before.

Or maybe...

Maybe I'd just never let myself feel it.

I left the phone where it was.

I walked into my room, sat down on the bed and simply stayed there.

Staring at the blank television.

Help me.

For one ridiculous moment, I hoped the dark screen would tell me what to do.

I looked back toward my phone.

No.

I can't.

I don't want to meet him.

I'll tell him.

But my legs felt too heavy to move.

Instead, I opened the fridge, grabbed a can of beer and drank half of it in one go.

My phone buzzed again.

That same bitter smile.

Sure.

What could you possibly see in me?

I picked up my phone.

---

He didn't reply.

I lay in bed, watching the snow drift past the window.

No.

Not through darkness.

Through that strange, quiet twilight.

My eyes slowly closed.

Eventually, I stopped fighting them.

The phone lit up.

A soft vibration.

But I was already asleep.

---

The shrill sound of my alarm dragged me out of sleep.

I silenced it automatically and walked into the bathroom.

Washed my face.

Brushed my teeth.

I leaned both hands against the sink and looked into the mirror.

But I wasn't looking at myself.

I was looking straight through myself.

I lowered my head.

Pushed away from the sink.

And left for university.

I almost missed the bus.

It was half empty.

I dropped into a seat and stared blankly at the streets rolling by.

Resting my head against the window, I reached into my pocket for my phone.

I wanted some music.

I sat up.

My mind went blank.

No.

Change the subject.

I pressed play, slipped my phone back into my pocket and let the music drown everything else out.

---

University dragged on.

Another test.

A few lectures.

My phone buzzed every now and then.

We kept texting.

About school.

About work.

About food.

---

Kirstin looked as though she'd been waiting for me.

I said hello, sat down at my desk and switched on my computer.

She rolled over on her chair.

"So?"

"You two kept texting?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"He asked if we could meet."

"And?"

I shrugged.

"I never answered. We just... kept talking."

She studied me for a moment.

"Just talking," she repeated.

I smiled faintly and turned back to the camera.

"Set up the light stand," she said, as if nothing had happened.

When I turned around to tell her it was ready, she was standing beside my desk.

One hand hidden behind her back.

What's she doing?

We started shooting.

I couldn't stop wondering what she was up to.

We finished late.

I was exhausted.

I wanted to go home.

Back to my comfort zone.

Back to the only place where I could be alone.

Where I could be myself.

Without pretending.

At the bus stop, I shoved my hands into my pockets and pulled my coat tighter around me.

A quote from an old movie popped into my head.

I wanted to send it to AD_AM.

Just because.

I took out my phone.

Unlocked it.

And froze.

On the screen.

In our conversation.

But I hadn't written that message.

KIRSTIN!

I took a sharp breath, as if the air had suddenly disappeared.

My fingers trembled.

That familiar knot twisted in my stomach.

What the hell is this?

I wanted to delete the message.

I wanted to delete everything.

Then another notification appeared.

The noise inside my head grew louder.

The world blurred.

The bus came.

And left.

I didn't move.

I bent forward, braced my hands on my knees and tried to breathe.

Why now?

Why like this?

I closed my eyes.

At least it's close to home.

I picked up my phone.